The last few days we've seem some massive gains for LGBT rights in this country, with Iowa and now Vermont legalizing gay marriage, DC joining on recognizing, etc. As a gay man, this makes me very, very happy. I'd love to get married oneday.
But I also want to be a parent. I've always wanted that. My brother has a wonderful baby boy, 1 year old, and I'd love to oneday be in his position. And two years ago, I just got the job of my dreams. But I look at all that's involved, particularly on the financial end of things and I ask myself, how the heck can I get this to all come together? There's lots of options, but also far too many roadblocks.
Why is this so difficult? If every Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston can have children, but I can't find a way, something's wrong with the system. More below.
Here's my situation. I just spent the last nine years getting my phd. I have a teaching job that is amazing and makes me very, very happy. I make a good salary - $60,000 a year, which anywhere but where I live, Brooklyn in NYC, is great, though it doesn't go quite as far here. Still, I have very cheap rent right now by having two roommates, though if I have children, I'll certainly need a bigger place. But at this point, by not having a car or a cell-phone, no plasma tv or non-secondhand furniture, for the first time in several years I can go on a few cool vacations in the summer, something I could never afford to do while I was in grad school (making between $11,000 and 24,000 a year, making ends meet often by help from my grandparents). Right now I have more money than I've ever had, though by the standards of any non-students I know, I live very modestly, especially for someone with about 14 years of college under my belt. No car or cell! Most of my money, in fact, goes to books, which are a small vice, but considering that they are the source of my research, I can finally do research properly now that I can afford to buy more and photocopy less.
But from research I've started recently to do on the web, adoption on the average costs anywhere between $5-50,000 (and in exceptional cases up to $100,000). Adopting older children from state orphanages it seems costs on average between $5-12,000 - an inordinate sum of money to me, but doable if I save for a few years. But if I want to adopt a child under a year of age without known health problems, I've been told to expect $30,000-$50,000. I've heard sometimes international adoption can be less money, but much more difficult to set up. Maybe I'm wrong on all this, but this is what some quick internet research has turned up.
I have no idea if I'll ever have that sort of money. I realize that having a second income helps enormously, but dating is hard, and I haven't had a boyfriend yet that seemed ready to become a life-partner. Being in grad school, with no financial security or surety if a teaching job would show up in my field (never mind in a gay friendly city) didn't help dating at all. I had a small nervous breakdown midway through grad school, as I've seen happen to many of my friends, though now things are, thankfully, much better as the stress has decreased. That said, my last serious boyfriend dumped me over my dissertation (I've been told dissertations frequently break up marriages as well). But then I got lucky - I got the teaching job of my dreams, and for the first time in nearly a decade, a sense of some security, and can finally concentrate on finding a life-partner. But dating is still difficult, and so while a second income would be really helpful with the adoption process, I can't count on this, and so before I get much older, I may have to do it alone. I'm 35 now, and figure it'd be nice to adopt before I turn 40, so that I'm not ancient when my child starts college.
I know that the government gives tax breaks to help you when you have a child, to help with things like childcare when you go back to work, etc. But can you go to a bank and ask for a loan to pay for adoption costs because you want to be a parent? And what if (how insane!) you want to have more than one child?! My parents were able to have three children. My dad was a middle manager. I hope to get a pay increase before 40. But there's no way I can see being financially secure enough to make this work.
Is there something wrong with our system? Am I missing some key piece of information? Why is it that any heterosexual can make a mistake with their contraception one night, and yet I have to plan years worth of legal fees, home interviews, and all sorts of grilling just to have what they get without having to pay for more than doctor fees for the delivery at the hospital? I mean, I know it costs a lot to house and feed a child. But I make a decent salary, and while I can see being able to pay for food and taking care of a child, that initial investment of adoption fees seems impossible - where can I get $50,000 from?!?
Furthermore, and I've heard other adoptive parents say this - why is it that those who can have children often do so easily, even when they don't want them - yet those who yearn for children have to go through tons of research to make sure we're fit? I mean, its a bit demeaning. When you see tons of people giving birth all the time, and they don't have to go through interviews and training, why do we have to PROVE our fitness and they don't?
I'm not sure where the problem is here, nor do I know how to fix things. But something's definitely wrong. All my hetero friends are having children. And I want to as well, though I'm waiting so as to plan properly and save money. But I have to come up with $50,000 and go through two years of paperwork and interviews, and they don't. And I haven't even gotten into the fact that many places don't like or allow 'single men' (code, gay men) to adopt, and that surrogacy and other options are often either more costly or more difficult (ie: co-parenting).
What's wrong here? I just want what my brother and friends have. Am I missing something? Are there solutions? Maybe my fellow kossacks have some insight or advice I'm missing. Otherwise, maybe we need to think about how to bring about some change . . .